Obsessive

type type type type, 'sent'
(Please reply, please reply please reply!!)
My heart full of hope
Please reply?

Nothing yet
no reply
when will they reply?
will they reply?
They haven't replied
maybe they won't reply.

Please reply
Please reply
Please reply and reflect at me
my life and my presence
regard me and show me I am alive
please reply
Please reply
please reply
If they don't reply, maybe it means my words are not worth much to them
If my words are not worth much to them
it means they don't really care about me
Or maybe that I have no value
Please reply
please reply
1 day, two days 3 days
I am counting the hours
How long ago was it since I wrote/texted them?
3 days and 45 minutes...
3 seconds
WIll they ever reply?
I wonder if they read my email.
What if they haven't.
But, what if they have?
What does that mean?
Does that mean they have so little time?
For me?
Does it mean they are saving a reply
for when they have lots of time
and it may never happen as they are a bit
(too optimistic about their schedule)
Please reply
Please reply
("I will reply later busy now" - Oh my god? an answer. But it still is not a reply.)
I am waiting for the reply they said they wanted to write
I am waiting for the reply they said they wanted to write I am waiting for the reply they said they wanted to write I am waiting for the reply they said they wanted to write
I am waiting for the reply they said they were going to write
so soon, they said, so soon
in the next 5 minutes
but it has now been 3 days
...
Why aren't they replying?
I feel deceived
I feel disappointed
I feel let down


I feel deserted




Alone.


loveless

I cannot find love for myself
I was relying on them to reply
So I could feel loved and therefore,
if I am loved, it means I am allowed to love myself back
If they don't reply, it means
They are angry at me or upset at me
If they are angry or upset at me, it means
that I have done something to hurt them
something wrong.
Therefore, I am a bad person.
Therefore, I feel guilt (in advance for having been a bad person which they are bound to tell me I have been, when they eventually reply
It all means that I cannot love myself
I am not allowed to love myself
So I careless for myself
Let alone and die

Please reply
Please reply
I am still waiting
It has been 2 weeks now, exactly to this day
I have said all on my heart
I have been as truthful as I could dare to be
I have been my own light, my own soul, I have given all I had, all I could be
In those few words
They...
They aren't replying.

Maybe they are ill.
Maybe they are dead.
Maybe I will never find out they are dead.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This is the Hamster wheel.
It sounds familiar, though now, it sounds tired and faded.
I am not in that space anymore, with whom I oughted to be and was; though
I am ready to be it again
Obsessive

Will they ever reply?
Why haven't they replied?
I really long for their reply
Another, another, another
always someone comes up
FOr me to be obsessive about
Reflect my own worth and love
Why do I need permission and proof?
I thought love mattered-not, to me?
So why suddenly...Lately...those last few years... Obsessive?


(Leave them alone...!!!)


I am tired of all this obsession.
(I just spent 45 minutes writing a beautiful email, that I did not send...To a one whom I must learn, I must learn...
Experience bites, and maybe I am actually learning... To leave'em alone?)
Success.
Best left in Drafts forever and go and make some pyramids instead.