A difficult time in Gay Paris - For me to judge if it was abusive..

"No need to worry, don't be silly, I am here, good night Darling C"

This was the last message I got from Ru, last thursday night, after a whole day of texting him saying how unhappy I was and how much of a crisis I was having with my lack of work, and particularly to do with some other personal things that were not up to what I wanted to happen. Expectations...Kill!

One of the messages which was sent thursday night, in a desperate attempt to get his attention and to see if he cared (or was going to give me any money for this thing which he said he would but had run away before he did)
said "I will switch off my phone when I am in France anyway, because I don't want another of those fucking expensive phonebills [like when I was in France and I was texting you all the time and you called me all the time and my bill was £200 and I still haven't paid it]

He didn't reply. Friday morning, on my way to Paris, 5.30 leaving my home; looked at my phone and there was still no reply from any of the long texts I had sent him during the day. Texts which were a little blunt, attacking at times, worrying at others, depressed and full of frustration or loving at rare times. Demeaning of sports day which took him away from me, what a silly "middle class thing fuss" but congratulating on the fact that he is actually there for his kids and they will thank him at later date. Things like that.

9am: I arrive in Paris after a sort of ok Eurostar trip

Still no message. I thought he might be in bed.
Virginie comes to get me at the Gare du Nord; I am not telling her anything about my yesterday's depressed state nor with my nagging feeling that R doesn't actually give a shit about me since he dismisses anything important I want to talk about, saying "Don't be silly". (see other blog in the dot.)

Lunch time, after a bit of shopping. Virginie shows me a great esoteric book shop, I buy a couple of books, including the power of pyramids and dowsing abilities and something else.
She cooks a very nice lamb; I meet her boyfriend Fehrath. It is nice to meet him, he is very friendly.
Afternoon, we go out shopping or walking around Paris, or do we go to Carrefour? I am still having problems with pissing (I can't do i unless I force and strain my muscles) and my colon has been constipated since about a week, coming out with goats pellets and I have to force like a rynoceros in order to get anything to get out at all, and when it comes out, there is very little of it. To be constipated and not be able to piss unless I take 15 minutes is getting very obsessively traumatic. Rupert still has not sent any message.

I don't remember what we did that afternoon other than getting to Carrefour to get some things so F does a wonderful pasta dish tomorrow called Carbonara.

Back to their home. I feel shy, introverted; though ok, really. I also start feeling the effect of my inner stress in my throat which feels a bit swollen and I recognise the early signs of a cold coming, with a bit of sniffing and mucus coming out.
I observe F and V together, they are very funny; she is very affectionate and he is very free, but caring and reasonnable. What a lovely thing to watch, to see them together living together and actually liking each other and it no being any housewife there! Or wimpy one!

15.42: I dare send him a message.
He must be at his sports day thing, surely he must have his phone on him, and if not, he will see it later.
"Dear quiet and busy R, from quiet and dead Deadly [he was meant to be switched off, remember?]C, thinking about you and hello from here. Virginie says hello and is asking after you. A kiss." xx

The evening goes on, TV is on, a bit of chat, I start to be slightly concerned that R has still not replied at all. This is not the week end, he must have had a lot of busy calls from his work, why doesn't he say anything? Did I upset him when I was demeaning to his stupid "sports day"? Did I upset him with the other texts I had sent him about sex, on his other blackberry that he only saw when he got back home yesterday evening (or this morning?)
The diner is nice; I made a salad with sprouted quinoa and alfafa and beautiful brown tomatoes and cucumber from the organic shop. The oven breaks down and Virginie's fish doesn't cook; Ferhat saves it and it eventually works. We eat at 22.30pm.

I am concerned. I do dare to send him another message.
21:11pm: Is R sulking at my declared tightness [about the fucking expensive phonebill] or my declared need for space or somethin said or is he just busy? I miss you.

(This was joky, and slightly nice; I really thought anyone quite normal would reply to something like that, even if they had been sulking all day long)

The night comes. No reply from him still. So far, I have sent the 2 messages on his other blackberry; not his work one. Was it turned off still? Has he decided to put it in the bin and only have one phone from now on? Did he never see the other messages sent on wednesday or tuesday afternoon which were slightly confrontational about him not touching me enough?

My night was awful. I didn't tell Virginie about my growing, growing worry about R, about why is he not replying, what is happening to him, why, surely, what, why, what, why. The tour de France is going on in my head! I feel a bit shy about taking my eases in F's flat, sleep the wrong way in the sofa-bed, with a pillow under my head. I woke up in the middle of the night, my noses totally blocked up and my throat congested and mucusy, with as well, a huge huge achy and stuck, frozen neck. The neck hurts so much I couldn't move it anywhere, I tried to do a bit of healing on it, then decided my bladder was tingly and I had to nervously go to the toilet and be stressed about not managing to go without making noise, or not managing to go at all, and taking ages, but managed to do a bit eventually, by looking at Ferhat's photo of his grandmother who really have something in her face that I like, and allows me to relax my over-tight bladder muscles. When I can't piss, I look at her. It works.

I got back to bed, but was very shaken. Not by my neck only; but by the fact that when I turned my phone on, there was yet again, no message back from R. I felt disarray, upset, terrible, vacant. I got back to an achy sleep but woke up feeling tired and traumatised, dreadful. Why this person, who said he cared for me, still not sent me any message? Still not!
It was now 7.30am!!!

I send him another; this time, I am upset. In the doubt of his other mobile having drowned in the pond, I will send it to his work mobile.
The text is cut in half due to a long commentary in the middle about something relating to it. To read on.
"R, I want to tell you how much your silence has upset me. Now, you know. If you wanted to punish me, you could not find a better way, than not return a text nor answer your phone [I had attempted to call him yesterday evening around the time he usually calls me, as I know he is off duty from his kids] Are you giving me back what I did the other night when I didn't want to answer mine as I was depressed? [thursday night, before French trip, a depressed me who had not heard much encouragement from him regarding work and feeling angry at his attitude towards me where I felt used sexually, was sitting at the kitchen table with Ro, and phone rung. I did not get up to answer, said to Ro it was more important to eat and I was having a good talk with him anyway. The mobile then rung. I said to Ro, look, he doesn't always answer his phone when he is upset or anyday, so why should I be a slave to his calls and answer him all the fucking time when he wants to speak to me?
A few minutes later, the house phone rung again. I shuddered my shoulders and decided I would finish my meal, then call him back. As I went back to the computer to call him, the house phone run again "Ah, it's you? Sorry I was having diner, I was going to call you back. He seemed a bit shaken I had not answered my phone; explained that he missed me [I didn't cos I was angry so I didn't reply] that the hotel room felt empty without me [I thought yeah, you probably want sex and you are bored]. I said how the fuck are you in London still, you were meant to drive back at 6pm! He said he was waiting still for his car to be delivered here [so he was ringing me because it was convenient and he was definitely bored] and I thought yeah, yeah. He said he missed me again, I said nothing because I was depressed and upset at him and still didn't miss him; the only thing I said was apologize, in a dead tone, for my answerphone message at home which he had moaned about, which says "There's nobody to take your call right now, leave a message and I will ring you back if I feel like it" which he thought was aimed at him, but has been on there for at least a month. Am I the only paranoid in the room? Conversation was flat, I was angry, he was romantic, I felt guilty for not having answered my phone, I was upset because he had not given me any money since june or beginning of july to pay my rent (which he said he would do which was the basis of me stopping the E, for him) and I couldn't ask him because I felt I was using him. Talk stopped there. Then, 3h afterwards when he had got back home, there had been his couple of texts saying nothing, totally ignoring all my angst and my ask for help of the day, which I acceptantly thought he would deal with on friday with me, but had not] [end of bracket, back to the message]

Maybe we are not meant, or I am not meant with anyone as I am not normal enough in a relation sense. I am sorry I can't say I love, and I don't do very well when someone's not touching me much, as it upsets me like the other morning [thursday] . I would not mind caring for someone and being paid for my care, if I felt I did not receive the same thing back. But I don't want ot be taken for granted, always be available when the other isn't, with a smile. Unless I am employed. I can't be waiting always for someone else to provide for me when they feel like it, see me or talk to me when they feel like it. I don't seem to have a voice in this. I didn't feel heard by you, with my problems or issues. "Don't be silly" (To what?!) is not answer enough for me and for something on my mind. I am upset, have been since I saw you last and now wasting fucking money again expressing it when I should wait till I am back in a decent roaming place! All upset with a frozen and aching neck. It's not surprising. I did miss you yesterday, but soon stopped [liar] as my anguish from your silence went overboard, for me, as a punishing gesture from you. Good day to you, I am switching my phone back off but will turn it on later. Hoping an answer from you. ["but probably won't get any" which I took off after having read the unsent message 3 times and deciding that this could be seen as negative, as well as nagging, as well as bringing me bad luck; if I didn't put it, I thought it would show more "hope" towards him helping me to resolve all this]

At the time that message was sent, I was utterly upset. Really really upset. I was seeing myself (and had seen myself all night) alone again, with an ex-boyfriend I had split with again, that wouldn't want to help me sort out what went wrong between us at all, just like Lloyd the f and Clive Aahem [apologies for name droppings] which were my last 2 relationships which had been ever ever so fucking traumatic, for weeks and months afterwards as the fuckers both remained silent to all my attempts of settling what was going on wrongly. I was getting the same upset in my head now, about R. Seeing R away from me (did I really care, then?) but most of all, seeing myself again having done the same fucking mistake as for the other 2: having stopped my work, my income, for their useless “love” and not getting much back from it at all, except fucking silence!
Not managing to pay my £800 a month rent, not knowing what job I could do since I had no qualifications and couldn't certainly go back in the e [unless under another name] and what was I going to do and I needed to pay my stupid phonebill which was so high because of him, I needed to pay my tax by july 31th, rent was coming soon, and my credit card also (am I not stupid, to spend any money at all! Will I ever learn from Soussi s ? )

I got in a right state.
Saturday morning saw me sending a panicked text to a friend who fortunately I know well enough to be able to explain those distressed things I am living each time with boyfriends. Saying “I am splitting!! I wish men would leave me fucking alone than fuck me about with their promises and silence. I really hate my relationships. Maybe I am disturbed. Maybe talk later.“ and having to call him 5 minutes later because I wasn't feeling any better after sending him that text; waking him up at an incredibly early time... I am so glad I share my life with someone so kind and patient. I know others, but it is difficult sometimes to be close.

Saturday came; I said politely to Virginie that I slept very well thank you, and then we had breakfast. I could not turn my head, particularly towards the left, and was as rigid as someone with a broomstick up the bum. Inside, I was devastated and coudln't think straight, though I managed to keep a smile on and enjoy (ish) a nice tisane and some delicious epautres gallettes with some organic chocolate paste and madelaines.
IN the morning, Virginie and I went to Carrefour (to avoid a fight between her and Ferhat who didn't want to go to Carrefour since he was cooking and tidying his books) and I don't mind being a morcel of peace between people and being accommodating to avoid any horrible voice rising happening, causing more trauma around me to add onto the one I had inside!

Virginie, before we got out, said to me “But Cl, are you ok? Have you a problem with your neck? You seem quite rigid since earlier! “ (She is a chiropractist and knows about those things - I was touched she noticed and said something, very touched)
I had to admit that actually, my neck was completely frozen; I added with a certain sadness that I knew where it came from, it came from my emotional turmoil and from R not communicating with me since 32 hours; which lead me into disarray and an inner depression. She looked concerned, and then we went out.

Lunch was nice, we had the Carbonara promised and Ferhat was wondeful, he is a great cook and so intuitive! He is a great man! So is Virginie, she is adorable.

IN the afternoon, Virginie and I took the metro again and went to Saint Michel, I was exhausted from bad sleep and depressed because of R, because of my twisted neck, my difficulty to pee and do turds (which was getting a very slight bit easier but not much) and because of R again.

We went to Bibliotheque F Mitterant and found a wonderful organicish shop selling juices and Yogi teas that she hadn't tried; I had a strawberry tea shake and a ginger tea and she had a juice. We spoke quite a bit then, and it made me feel better. I asked her many questions about health and alternative stuff and we exchanged views. I was still feeling shit, though.

We took the metro back to go back to the organic shop where I wanted to buy lovely pate and organic saucisson things which they don't sell in useless English organic shops because they are all soya eaters.

Arrived at the metro, I started feeling dizzy and seeing white things turning in circles in the corner of my right eye; as well as being suddenly extremely tired and exhausted. I hid it a bit, not wanting to have to go to a doctor and be diagnosed with mental illness or worse, them having to take my eye out; so I worryingly sat down, in the RER, trying to breathe deeply, near that bloke who had a lovely energy. The train, as a coincidence, stopped at the next station for 20 mins and then decided it didn't want to go further because it was out of order and they were taking it out to repair and could everyone please bugger off from it and wait for the next train on the next platform.

We came out of the train and sat on a station bench; I told Virginie about my dizzy eye which I had had 2 weeks ago (strangely, after a difficult emotional time, again)
The station was grey, heavy, hot and claustrophobic. But I didn't mind it. We spoke a bit more; I told her more about R and my angst, frustration and the fact I couldn't get him out of my head etc. She said I really needed to let go of my past and recommended me once again to do it seriously, taking some psychotherapy sessions (EMDR ones) for at least a year because it was obvious my childhood and family had deeply traumatised me, and I lived in the past, reproducing all that had happened then, in my today's life. I needed to de-sensitise my brains and cellular memories from all those hurts; it was not normal that I was so much like that, switching so easily and getting in a panic state where I cannot sleep or think about anything else than a silly man who is sulking far away from me and doesn't give a shit really. (she didn't say that, she liked the sound of R when I first mentioned him).
She was worried that he didn't text me at all and like my other friend, thought it was out of character and slightly odd.

Talking to her about my deep down current problems made me feel so much better; my eye stopped having a little circus inside it and when we got up for the next Mona train, I was feeling fit enough and had made a choice; since I had spent much money yesterday in bookshops (that's what we did in afternoon too! Gilbert thinggy! They sell lots of secondhand paranormal books!)I spent at least £100, I was going to be moderate and just buy a few pates and a few bits. I was worried about money and my survival, after all. I also really wanted to bring back that cheese to Robert, which is called “Tomme Creuset: Louisette” and was absolutely amazing, we had had some for lunch.
So off we went. Virginie was concerned that I was too tired but I said I was ok, now, that sitting down at the station and talking to her had really helped me.
I felt a bit better.
That afternoon was lovely, we had also had a Crepe in St Michel at her favourite creperie; she had sugar and cinnamon and I had compote and cinnamon, which was not sweet enough but was wonderful. Then, we had stopped in a really nice coffee bar with lots of fancy herbal teas from Africa where we were meant to sit down and read but ended up talking for most of the time!

Organic shop got done and back home; friendly relaxed and entertaining evening with aperitif again (Ferhat loves aperitif and nibbles) and I felt better. I felt soothed, and actually, my anger towards R started to fade, I cared a little bit for him and was ready to make peace. I was worried he still hadn't replied (he hadn't, I had my phone on, all this time!) so at 23:09pm, another text went to caress his normal (not work) phone:

“ I do hope you are ok, R, and not having a crisis on your own. It's much better to share crisis. Particularly if one of the people is calm, which I am, now. I just saw a Greek or roman religious painting on TV on a church wall and thought of you. You have been one of them, I am sure. Peace.”

I was decided to have a better night so took more care to sleep the right way up in my bed, as well as now, managing to pee much quicker as I regularly practised my letting go of bladder muscles (great fear is held in them) whilst looking at Ferhat's grandmother. She had something special, that woman. Shame I could not take her photo home.

I slept better. I tried to be loving towards myself a bit, did some healing on my neck, then held my occiput and sacrum which sent me all dizzy and sleepy; and wondered if I had done too many things that had confused my energy fields totally, lately. Maybe too many essential oils or homeopathy in the past? What was life about? But...Why had R still not got back to me? Ah, thoughts were inexorably going back to that place again! I was not over yet...But I managed to sleep. Sort of.
Except in the morning, when I woke up, (this morning) I was still feeling shit. Virginie had put on 2 kilos and was all upset and was going to do a regime again (but laughing about it which was a relief as I dread people being unhappy because of their weight when I am so skinny, in case I get blamed and I can't help them)
I also felt guilty with my having lost 4 kilos in 2 months and eating her organic chocolate Nutella on her organic epautre rice cakes.. That morning, I switched between feeling shit, very shit, then ok again; once Virginie talked to me or Ferhat, or Friend sent me a text.But I was a veritable emotional Pyrenees.

Virginie had asked me what I wanted to do today, and since I felt slightly more grounded and she was very protected, I did offer her to follow on my promise and try my healing massage on her. She said she would love it, and she was very atuned to her body so would see if anything happened and she felt anything.
I had a shower and used the wrong shampoo for my hair which went all greasier even and didn't dry, making my neck worse; but I felt comfortable and slightly happy, even though still traumatised quite a bit, about R not giving sign of life. I was drained by this stuff. Sorry that it was happening this week end, when I was with Virginie. But shit always happens with me, when I go and have a good time elsewhere, I have to bring sudden trauma with me and tragedy so I can have a really, really bad time. Like in Italy with F who is in fact such a lovely person and I should have married him really as he was so caring and communicative and special. (particularly more when I see the boyfriends after who retreated into stupid silence, when him, did all he could to get me back, it's me who didn't answer the phone and didn't speak to him for 2 months; I soon learned how much that behaviour hurt and now swore I would never do it again) (but now, it keeps happening to me for some reason,I keep meeting people that go silent on me, have I not purged my karma enough?)

I did healing on Virginie. It took me a while to decide what to do, started with the feet. I felt a bit insecure (what a surprise and how unusual) at myself as she was ever so advanced in all her learnings and was more evolved as a soul because she was, and I was all silly with my hamster wheel in my heads which falls out with everyone in sight, every 5 minutes.
The feet gave me information; her calves felt tight; her feet inexpressive and stuck, strong but stuck. Her calves felt child like, felt like they had been very athletic (previous life?) and thin and strong; though now were being naughty and not taking on responsibility to help her with her life. Her thighs felt angry and strong, upset at the calves for not listening and helping them to make Virginie move forward in life, in harmony. The knees were in between, a bit neutral but decided after persuasion to get in there and help the 2 parts talk with each other on a more balanced level. I heard notes, thought of other;s hands on her (angels) and them leading my hands since I don't know what I am doing, they might as well take the control. I called upon the lightest and more sublime, most evolved souls and energy and vibrations to make sure it would all be for the best of V . During that time and then passing over her body, then on, then off, she felt many little things happen in many places and felt hands where they were not there anymore and enjoyed it very much. IN the end, she felt very very relaxed and cool raoul like. She had felt floaty, then grounded.

Then, she offered to do something on me also since my chakras felt all funny; she went onto my neck first and looked at it, at my left muscles and poked in there and I said Ouch, as she said “Is it this muscle ere?”

She did the energy thing on the chakras. She said they felt depleted and but something was parasiting; and asked me to remove one of my garments;(she said that had a really disturbing energy for my body, she tested it and I also tested it with my dowser and it is a bad skirt - but please note I was wearing shorts too) then, the energy could pass. She still felt something was parasiting and asked me to remove and metal; hairclips and things. Then she said in a resigned manner after having noticed the heart chakra didn't want to know anything, nor the throat nor anything; that actually, it was like I had a huge shield of lead on me and it was not allowing anything near me, no bad, but no good neither; she said it was one of those defense systems “a la con” which are useless and come from a long time ago and I should really get my past treated because I couldn't carry on living with carrying this burden around me and being all bothered and not advancing as I was. I took her advise; after, she asked me if it bothered me if she clicked my neck and I got nervous but said ok; she very souply manipulated it, tried elongating the muscle first as it was pulling on the stuck vertebra but that not working, she made it click. As she did, I felt a great feeling of joy on my left side. It was physical joy.

She also poked me all over my face, feeling on her what was wrong with me; it was absolutely fantastic, she was so very talented! (she had also explained to me chiro is great for constipated peple when it's a muscle-bone problem) She poked on my forehead and I said Ouch many times because everytime she found a point I didnt know was aching to that point and made me each time, have a memory of my childhood or family members in different places, like my alzeimerish aunts and the one who wasn't at first but was weird with her chanel perfumes and felt odd, and gathering straw in one of the fields, etc. I told her her touching triggered all this. She said I needed psychotherapy.

We had lunch, it was all really tasty and joyful and I was enjoying being with them, though still felt shy and very stupid and bothered at times because I am soussi s trained and I have to refuse everything nice they offer me and I have to help with all the work and housework and I must not take long showers etc. But they were both treasures.

Still no text from R. I got aggravated again. After I had woken up (before healing and shower) I was decided to tell R what I truly thought, even more than what I truly thought yesterday.
So I spent all breakfast, not hiding myself from Ferhat and Virginie, preparing a killing text to him which would make him understand a bit more how I felt; again, with the intention of making him react in some way, appealing to his integrity and honesty in him, or his care, if he had any at all for me. Which I don't think he had, because he loves what I bring him but not who I am, but that is another story.

09.35am:
If we were friends, I would talk to you and you would talk to me. Are we friends? What game are you playing, R, with your silence? Why won't you be honest with me? If you are thinking “Fuck off C, you are a bitch and a horrible person, I never want to see you again” then why not get on with it and say it? It would give me peace. I[t] would be the upmost of someone I respect, to be respected back by true expression. Do u [starting to think about phonebill there] not care about me or r u hurt or what? What is going on with you to yet again, be so silent when all I need to hear is truth from you, to know where I stand? Are you having trouble with wife?? Horse died? Children in hospital? You in hospital? Bankrupt? What? Why won't you say? If you dislike me, tell me. I resent your half presence and your not doing what you said you would do. Money is nothing, yet is everything. I wish I could show you my blog but you may get upset, or not look at it anyway cos u don't seem to give a shit, really. I wrote something about the £2000 paid girlfriend. Never mind. Good bye, R. Happy silence to you. “

This was not enough. I had to tell him and express why his silence was hurting me so very much.
It took much thinking about and rereading many times before sending this second text.
10:56am :

This is a repeating pattern for me, which you said before [when you said my ex's were obviously stupid people or something along those lines] was unfair: They (boyfriends) remain silent. The more they are silent, the more I get upset and shower them under words which I regard as truth, in hope 2 trigger them 2 express what they feel. But they bury in silence even more. I get madder, then decide I am splitting as they obviously don't love me, nor respect a hair out of me. And it's the end. Easy, isn't it! Question is, why did they remain silent, when a word of them could have changed the whole situation, if they cared at all? The reply is...They didn't truly care. They couldn't face the fact I was confronting them. They couldn't face my difficulty as they had their own and thought truth was not worth it. They were cowards. They had no self-respect nor integrity. They used me [ouch to R's reaction to this!] and didn't need me anymore so they withdrew. Now, I know you are better than all that. That you care enough to spare 10 seconds of your time to text me (unless your wife has stolen your phones) . U are busy, but in between ur children and horses and barbecues and drinking [aperitif] near swimming pools and fight with wife, for someone you said you cared for, you would find a second.
[I think he later felt aggressed about my saying that in his private home life, he didn't pay me any attention but gave himself all this leisure time during which certainly, he could find a fucking second for me, since he always seems to be doing something leisurely. I know if I am doing leisurely, that I certainly have time for those I care for, as wel as those I don't care for, to send texts. OH well]

This was it. From that text, and those texts, I thought I had been fair enough, I had spoke my truth, I had not (I thought) aggressed him directly nor judged him harshly; that if he was someone who was worthwhile for me, he would respond certainly and would at least need to have had an accident or some serious fight with wife to not have been able to reply nor from now on, reply at all.

Paris was at its end; Virginie walked me back to Gare du nord; I nearly cried as I left them, it was such a nice time for me, observing what felt like a normal couple and I felt totally inadequate to be affectionate and couldnt be and coudnt love and all those things.
Train back was crap, 4.43pm was full and someone had stolen my seat, so I had to sit near this bloke who said hello which I thought was lovely and promissing of some nice conversation but ended up being on his fucking ipode all 3hours back and ignoring me entirely and I got so angry and paranoid and upset at him for never smiling nor saying anything at all, that in the end I had to put my jacket across my face so I wouldn't see him, so he could cease existing, him this human being for which I was see-through and inexistant and worthless to speak to so for the last half hour, I didn't see him other than his annoying reflection in the tunnels because of the train light; though, to be upset like that at a stranger I didn't care about who didn't even pay some polite and bored nice day todays, well, made me realise how much I struggle with being ignored. I do, I so fucking do, I hate being ignored and I want to aggress and slap the ones who do ignore me very hard as by ignoring me they are telling me I do not exist or I do not have any value to their eyes.
I really need to see a psychotherapist. Big time.

Home welcomed me and an aggravated me came back, searching the front garden for traces of mad pigeons who should be punished but who didn't seem to have eaten anymore of the young plants.
R was on my mind again, I felt shit, tired, I had eaten a whole box of biscuits on the train because I was so frustrated the other pratt near me was listening to his ipode all the way and not spoken another word to me (so biscuits which I certainly didn't offer any to him, why should I! He can really fuck off!) and I was feeling a bit self-abandonned.
Ro welcomed me and was very warm and caring. I said to him...Stll no news. He said it was definitely odd. I started to think that maybe he had had a car crash in one of his fast cars and he was dead; and if he was, surely his exwife would answer his phones to say to his clients he was dead, so I decided sneakily to ring on witheld in case she saw the name and decided not to answer as she is jealous even though she is a bit difficult and unpleasant to him (not as much as I am through my texts, I am such a horrible person anyway when it regards boyfriends, I am so vicious) and I rung again his mobiles. Angry and worried as he had never given me any other number to call in case he diasppeared, when I had given him Ro's and my address and other things that he never said thanks about so I dont think he saw them nor cared about them, really.
Both phones rung 4-5 times, and the answerphone came on. Fair enough, witheld, maybe he thought it was work and it was disturbful on a sunday. Maybe he was not dead, if he wife didn't answer. Didn't leave a message. I was upset again. Very upset.

I nearly forgot to call Virginie to say I had got back ok, and called her. As I was speaking to her, my mobile, bastard quiet deadly, binged.
Oh, I thought, whilst Virignie was telling me about something rather. And off.........................OHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MY GODE A MESSAGE FROM R OH HE IS NOT DEAD THEN AND WHAT EXCUSE IS HE GOING TO COME UP WITH TO SAY WHY HE NEVER REPLIED NOR CALL ME NOR ANYTHING LETS HAVE A READ and I thought no, actually, I am being rude to Virginie, I have waited 3 fucking days to get a text from him, now he can wait to be fucking read!
But I couldn't detach my eyes from the phone... and it read...

12-07-09 21:02pm:

Dear C , [A comma, a dear and a Paragraph doesn't sound very good so far]


First of all, I am sorry that you seem to be angrier and angrier with me. With the greatest respect, when you left on thursday, by the end of the day it seemed to me that all of my efforts to try to give you support were once again inadequate. I was trying to build on the confidence you seem t enjoy when we are together...instead you told me that you would switchj phone off in france because it was so fucking expensive to quote...so I respected your wishes, and also switched off mine [liar] because I clearly misunderstood that you wanted space...I have just switched mine on [which one? Only your work one on which you are texting me from?] to find that you have sent me increasingly hostile and judgemental messages... [??? were they? I didn't think they were] For why I know not... [he has a good literary style, hasn't he] you have been away since friday...I thought enjoying the company of you friends...yet by the tone and content of your messages it seems you expected me to tune in every now and then to try to reassure you...”

I was fucking upset to read that, First of all, he was lying; I called his work mobile on the 10th (friday): it rung and then went to answerphone. A switched off phone does NOT ring. I also did ring his other mobile as I thought he may be on that one since it was his bed time and surely he was about and willing to speak; again, it rung a few times and then went on answerphone. Don't tell me they are off! And tonight, just before he texted me, sneaky bastard me calling him on witheld...Both phones rung and went to answerphone! Therefore I know this “My phones were off” was a lie.
It was the only excuse he could think of to not have replied to me, rather than wanting to admit to me he had been so fucking upset my my texts and had been reading them all week end and watched me and my moods changing from far away and kept withdrawn; well, whether he read them or not when they came, I don't know. But his phones were certainly not off all the time! Has he something to hide to come up with such lie?

God oh mighty, this was not just one text, my phone blipped again a few minutes later. It was again from his work phone, and said
12-07-09 21:08

I don't understand this text at all...paid girlfriend? What is that, c...[WITH A SMALL C, HE HAS WRITEN MY NAME WITH A SMALL C, IT MEANS HE DOESN'T RESPECT ME!] you certainly demean my impression of our relationship! Stop throwing rocks and calm down... I [WITH A BIG I, HE RESPECTS HIMSELF AT LEAST] have not gone anywhere...you did not want to use your phone ...I respescted that and suddenly I am an arsehole?...strange...I switched on my phone just now to look forward hopefully to getting a text saying you had had a great time in paris........how wrong I was …....who is being inconsistent claude? Not me....I am here and in the space of 48 hours you have reduced your opinion of me to this.....over to you.....I can't explain this …...

Now, I was so upset by his first text in which it is not for me to judge whether he lied or not and I should trust his words (…) to this text, which I actually only finished reading now (00:16am, as I am finishing to type all this and needed the reference)
Well, this second text makes me think even more.
First of all, I don't demean our relationship, but I would quite like to be paid to be a girlfriend since it is so fucking traumatic for me and I don't actually get what I want out of it, which is a very long, slow, endless caressing and touching, but in which I end up feeling used by the morning (see other blog hidden elsewhere) so because of that, I think I do deserve payment, actually.
I stopped work for him, for merde sake.

Secondly, I do not feel in myself that I was throwing rocks; just hoping he would react and actually get in touch with his purest self; the same way I had got in touch with what was my (nearly purest) self when I wrote those texts. They were closer to the truth, and I did only lie once in it, when I said I had stopped missing him, which I had actually not done till I went berzerk.

Since he loved me so much and had tried his best on thursday, which he hadn't at all, other than not responding much to my anguish texts saying “The agency in Hammersmith will have no work for me as I am not a practiced nurse and she said there was no work elsewhere because of so much unemployment” to which he had replied, hours later “Oh well, you will have to try other agencies then” and nothing else of the day text wise, except those 2 silly texts after we had spoke-not on the phone and he was telling me not to worry he was there and was a parachute for me.

So far, he was no parachute at all, he was not helping me at all and I had felt used that morning and had no money! Where is my girlfriend thing in all this! He had even not paid me any attention regarding the things I had replaced and bought FOR HIM because he had a go and ridiculised me the previous evening so much, about my shitty looking primark knickers! I had got new silk ones that day, nearly lost my wallet and spent way too much for his beautiful eyes (as I don't give a shit about knickers myself) and he never noticed then, till I forced them onto him in the restaurant, but after, in the room, nothing! All my efforts for him and spending silly stuff for his eyes pleasure which really, weren't interested in me much, wasted!!!

I never said nor implied he was an arsehole; he obviously knows he is one and has said it before I said it. I only said that I thought he was better than all my ex boyfriend's behaviour and I wished he would show it, I did say I was upset, it didn't mean he was shit; I did say I wasn't suitable for relationships, it didn't mean he was shit; I said they used me, but I didnt say HE used me; I said he had a lot of leisure during which he didn't involve me, and that was ok, it was a judgement maybe but he deserves his leisure and never I would take it away from him, I just wish he would think of me and actually send me a text once or twice on a sunday when he is having a fight with his wife, instead of being all fucking quiet.

I questionned him about whether we were friend or not, since we didn't speak; it didn't mean he was shit. I accused him of playing a game with me, but to my eyes he was; you would never let your girlfriend go to paris and not at least talk to her once during this trip! You would give her money for phonecalls instead, if she was that bloody tight!

I accused him of punishing me, and he was; maybe without knowing it because he doesn't know me enough to know silence hurts me that much. I did say I wanted to be touched more and got upset when I didn't, but that just doesn't register in his head. I didn't mean or say he was shit.

Now, when did I ever in all this, call him an arsehole? (there are no hiden texts left behind in all this) I didn't!!! (this blog is now becoming a self-justification blog, may not be really interesting to read)
I spoke my truth! He is saying yet again about having switched his phone on ( as if I had not read it enough in the first text and like a child, if you repeat a lie enough it will be believed..or...will it sound even more wrong?)

He is being manipulative when he is saying about all this “I hoped to receive a nice text saying what a nice time in paris” when he had got, and perfectly knew, from my texts that I was upset all thursday, thursday night, and that was official, “he had read all this”
How could he expect me to go away and forget about all my upsets, me, Cl, and have a fun time and come back saying:
“I have forgotten all my troubles, never mind, make love to me R!”
Fuck off! If I am ignored, I am not going to get better (unfortunately) on my own! Time doesn't heal things! Not in me!
I did send him a nice message or two, saying I missed him. Had he handilly forgotten that?

About the who is being inconsistent: I have been consistently present on his phone, harassing, angry and upset, (except when I said that I missed him when I had calmed down, which I should not really have said as it shows inconsistency) and so yes, I had been consistent, consistently angry!
The inconsistent one, other than my disturbed mind, is not me!

The inconsistent ones are the ones that don't look at their phone when their upset girlfriend is gone away on a week-end, who don't call her nor answer her texts nor phones, who don't encourage her nor do what they said they would do, and who try to put all the blame onto me, the emotionally sick person who already know they are a problem and keep talking about it but not fucking being heard!

Anyway, never mind all this.

I replied, but it did sound false somehow. I didn't know what else to say, after all, it was my turn to play stupid and I was going to enjoy it, and not get hung up in a virulent and sudden communication of texts saying “No it's you!" “ No it's you!" "No its your fault!" "No it's yours!" "You are a fucker!" "You are a bitch!" "You used me!" "You wanted to use me for my money!" Etc.

So, I replied: discouraged and actually, not so bothered about him anymore, I am sure I can take E again to pay for my rent (but I will cut the balls off the next man that attempts to get close to me in a relationship sense)


R's Blackberry: 12-07-09 21:12

“So good to get your text. I was worried sick something bad had happened to you. Looking forward to speaking tomorrow.”

I lied. I am not looking forward to speaking tomorrow at all. I am not sure I want to speak to him ever again. Except...I made the stupid mistake to let him take my father's gathered flowers in his car from Provence, and I have never got them back yet (he keeps “forgetting”) and I probably will never see them ever again.
I wanted it to work with him, but frankly, I think I need to look elsewhere, if I really want to be near a man, which I don't.
I do need to find this EMDR psychotherapist. Straight away, Well, not now, as it is 12:40am.

Or rather, 2.25am.